PREMIER LEAGUE MONTHLY REPORT - SEPTEMBER

 

I should've done the publication of this on Friday, but the Street Fighter III review made me want to rest for the weekend. Now that I feel a bit better, off to start off the report for September.

Leicester City, Nottingham Forest & Wolves

With the exception of Wolves having a chance to get out from the bottom 3, the overall conclusion is that these teams are dead. May their souls rest in The Championship...

Crystal Palace

No difference between Palace and Wolves. Both sides have had a rough start of the season. Only difference between them is that Crystal Palace is SLIGHTLY better than Wolverhampton due to their difference between defeats. "The Wolves" have more defeats than "The Eagles"...

Southampton

Lost to Aston Villa and Wolverhampton. That's all I have to say. How they're 16th is a mystery.

West Ham United

"The Irons" are sinking hard. This club doesn't perform well at home, and that makes fans very disappointed and unhappy. Their current statistics for the season can be compared to a cheating husband: performing bad at home, but performing well outside with others. What do I mean with this?
Conference league: I am referring to this! They are doing much better in the UEFA Conference League than the Premier League. Top at their group with 2 wins and 6 points. And I don't know what kind of teams there are in the group, so I'll skip the teams for now, and focus on them once I gather more info on them (should they put a show for West Ham and other fans, reporters and weirdos writing blogs (like me)).

Aston Villa

Drew against Manchester City, in a shocking turn of events' Haaland's 50th minute goal denied the 3 points with Villa's #31, Leon Bailey, who scored in the 74th minute, and then was substituted for Emi Buendía in the stoppage time of the game.

Again, they drew against City. Madlads

Bournemouth

The award for "The unlucky boys of the month" goes to... BOURNEMOUTH!!!

This award is for teams that are 13th place on the table.

Awards aside, beat Nottingham Forest in a thrilling game, which ended 2-3 for "The Cherries" (why Cherries, I do not know), and a 1-1 draw with Newcastle.

They are a decent side. Decent in this case being a substitute for average. But still, not a bad average side. They are doing well for now. Maybe this form will keep up with them for the rest of the season...

A sick comeback from "The Cherries". Still a weird nickname for a club...

Leeds United

Got their arses kicked by Brentford.

And that's the only report I have on them. In fact, this report will be short and boring due to September being a month where: The Queen passed away and games were postponed, AND, International break happened.

So enjoy the highlights of Leeds being "treated with respect" by "The Bees"...

Some of this footage made it onto "certain" websites for grownups...

Everton

"The People's Club" did actually alright in September. Avoided embarrassment, avoided a loss against their rivals, THE RED SCOUSE BASTARDS, and pulled off a clean sheet and a 1-0 against West Ham.

Next time I see Everton, I might watch their game whilst enjoy myself a bag of sweet & delicious toffees...

Brentford

Kicked Leeds' arse, and got nuked by Arsenal on home ground. "The Bees", despite the latter result, are a side that has surprised many so far. It may be still early on in the season, but the team is putting up the pressure on both sides. Those being the Bottom 10 and the Top 10. They will sting you hard and will fight back hard, even if they're on life support.

A side to be aware of, that's for sure.

Liverpool

Uh...

Fuck, what do I say about them? 

Drew against Everton.

9th overall

Champions League: Walked into the wrong neighbourhood and got stabbed and shot 4 times by a local napoletano blond dude that kept saying "Io, Giorno Giovanna, ho un sogno." or some shit. Bounced back with a 2-1 win against Ajax, though. 2nd place at the moment, right behind Napoli, and those Napoli dudes have some Passione inside them that drives them forward to dominate...

Fulham

This team sends me back to simpler times, around the 2006/2007 season, where Football was alive, had passion, love, aggression. It was a lot better back then.

And Fulham is capturing that feeling of seeing the FFC logo doing wonders. A challenging side that kicked ass against the weaker sides, and kept up with the tougher ones.

A loss against Spurs is nothing, as they did well against them. But that game with Nottingham was also quite something. Similar to Bournemouth, it ended with a 2-3 victory, except they didn't need a comeback to get out of the "Forest".

Newcastle

I sleep...

Manchester United

REAL SHIT?!?!?!

YES! Real shit it is. An outstanding 3-1 win against Arsenal was something every United fan needed to see and rejoice, as with that win, we stopped Arsenal's winning streak. And then we didn't play matches because of The Queen's passing and some shit the FA made up to stop us from winning games.

Europa League: LOST TO FUCKING SOCIEDAD; but won a boring game against Sheriff. Currently 2nd in the group...

Not going to post the Sheriff highlights. The game was REALLY boring...

Chelsea

Beat West Ham 2-1. An OKAY game.

For a team that's in the Top 5, they are the weakest link. One wrong game and they will drop points & placement.

Champions League: FORGET THEIR DRAW AGAINST RB SALZBURG, THEY LOST TO DINAMO ZAGREB!!! Poor bastards were forced to listen to Marko Perković's " Bojna Čavoglave" when they were packing their belongings before leaving Zagreb. Currently dead last in their group. Talk about rubbing salt into the wound...

I was thinking of not putting any highlights of Chelsea, but I just want to rub it in a bit more...

Brighton

Have been charged for the following crimes:
- Harassment of small clubs
- Homicide on small clubs

- Skinning "The Foxes" 5 times

- Somehow being 4th in the league

Tottenham Hotspur

Spurs are the 3rd team in the league, and their performance for September has been average. Aside for also being accused of war crimes for their game against Leicester, a win against Fulham has granted them a total of 6 points. A decent side that can dish out the pain, but surely can't take it.

Champions League: A 2-0 win against Marseille, and a 2-0 defeat from Sporting CP sees Spurs 2nd in their group's standing.

NO 2 ANIMAL ABUSE! IT IS COMPLETELY SIX- I MEAN, SICK!!!

Manchester City

Warlords...

They slay everything...
I am not even going to mention why.

Champions League: Rest In Peace, Dortmund, Copenhagen & Sevilla. 2nd place is up for grabs...

Arsenal FC

How are they still at the top? How are "The Gunners" still in 1st? What kind of dark magic are they using to achieve such great results?

No clue. But they beat Brentford 3-0. So I guess there's that.

Europa League: Oh and they also beat FC Zurich 2-1. Current position in group is 2nd, behind FK Bodø/Glimt (only mentioning them due to the funky name)...

A bit of a short and slightly shitty report update for the 2022/2023 season, but with the passing of The Queen & the International Break, there was nothing to comment on. Even in details, it wouldn't have made any difference. Let's hope October is packed with action so that the report can be as packed.

Until next time

Ѓорѓи „GioGio“ Илиев