It's been a while since I've written anything related to the Champions League. Then again, this occurs every 2 weeks, or a month, depending on the situation with the international games. Lots of drama and madness happened during this matchday, with teams scoring more goals than meets the eye, chances of this being the best moment of this season's group stage are 100% positive. And what better way to start this journey off with-- OF COURSE IT'S GONNA BE FUCKING GROUP A!!! WE AIN'T GONNA START WITH GROUP H FOR FUCK SAKE (Although I wish we could, so I can make Hentai jokes when giving the brief report)...
Group A
Don't let the appearance deceive you. Things MIGHT change...
Before starting my report, a quick mention is that I won't be posting highlights of the games, or the whole week as videos that contain segments of the games get deleted in an instant due to UEFA's policy on their footages. So my UCL reports will be text only. The traditional way, like how they are written in newspapers.
Anyhow, Group A and its bullshit. Leipzig are in the mud. Officially. Unless they pull off a miracle in their next 3 games, chances are slim to none for the club. Same thing cannot be said about Brugge, City and Paris, who are fighting for a spot in the Round of 16, or Round of 32 of the Europa League.Group A
Despite the destruction the Belgian club went through on Tuesday, a 1-5 loss to Manchester City, they are still chasing "The Citizens", with 2 points separating the clubs, whereas City is chasing the French bois, who managed to beat the aforementioned 4th placed Leipzig with a score of 3-2.
The kid gloves are off and the fight for survival begins now...
Group B
THAT'S ALL FOR MATCHWEEK 3 FOLKS!!! To sum it all up: Group C is innocent as fuck, Liverpool are slaughtering their group, alongside Bayern, who are doing the same thing, United turning me into an insomniac, and Group G just bore the hell out of me.
Until next time
Lord Slayer...
Arrivederci... UEFA Champions League...
Sadly, the same thing cannot be said about "I Rossoneri", who have failed to do anything against Porto in their clash on the 19th. With a performance like that one, AC Milan is 100% guaranteed to go back home empty handed, with no stories to share about how they faced some times in the later stages of the competition. A shame really. My favorite Italian club is getting its ass kicked by plenty of teams, both home and away. Fair play to Porto, for managing to snatch a win and increase its hopes. With 4 points, they will probably aim for 2nd, since Liverpool is running away from the rest, them cheeky bastards.
Speaking of them, they managed to beat Atletico Madrid 2-3, in a controversial game that made many pundits and fans raise a few eyebrows at minimum. Call it bullshit, call it luck, Liverpool won the game with the worst performance of the season yet. To add up, Klopp was EXTREMELY furious with the Atletico manager, Diego Simeone, for his style of play, dubbed by plenty as boring. But I'd call it "slow as a sloth taking a shit".
The heat is also present in this group, just for different reasons...
Speaking of them, they managed to beat Atletico Madrid 2-3, in a controversial game that made many pundits and fans raise a few eyebrows at minimum. Call it bullshit, call it luck, Liverpool won the game with the worst performance of the season yet. To add up, Klopp was EXTREMELY furious with the Atletico manager, Diego Simeone, for his style of play, dubbed by plenty as boring. But I'd call it "slow as a sloth taking a shit".
The heat is also present in this group, just for different reasons...
Group C
Perfect rhythm. The points in this group are on point...
I feel like this entire group is just perfect for one another. I mean look at the points. Ajax is 3 points ahead of Dortmund, Dortumnd are 3 points ahead of Sporting, and Sporting are 3 points ahead of Besitkas. Interesting sight to behold, innit?
Let's start off with the bottom half of the group, where the Turkish side welcomed Sporting to some nice baklava, döner kebab, and most importantly, allowing their guests to score 4 goals against them. I guess Besitkas' days are numbered, because it is impossible for them to do anything at this point in their journey of Group C. Speaking of döner, fuck me, I just made myself hungry. Fuck you... Me?
Anyways, the next game is a personal favorite of mine. Ajax vs Dortmund. Game ended with a beautiful 4-0 win for the home side, neutralizing the away side in the process. With this win, I believe Ajax created this beautiful rhythm that is only rivaled with the horny group, a.k.a. Group H. The young lads at Ajax are doing alright, and are leaving a good impression with everyone. I still remember how they played well against us in the Europa League. I have high hopes for them that they will do well this season...
Group D
Let's start off with the bottom half of the group, where the Turkish side welcomed Sporting to some nice baklava, döner kebab, and most importantly, allowing their guests to score 4 goals against them. I guess Besitkas' days are numbered, because it is impossible for them to do anything at this point in their journey of Group C. Speaking of döner, fuck me, I just made myself hungry. Fuck you... Me?
Anyways, the next game is a personal favorite of mine. Ajax vs Dortmund. Game ended with a beautiful 4-0 win for the home side, neutralizing the away side in the process. With this win, I believe Ajax created this beautiful rhythm that is only rivaled with the horny group, a.k.a. Group H. The young lads at Ajax are doing alright, and are leaving a good impression with everyone. I still remember how they played well against us in the Europa League. I have high hopes for them that they will do well this season...
Group D
Jesus Christ, I can finally stop talking like I'm a cowboy...
It's a free for all in this group. Shakhtar has chances of overtaking Inter, and Inter has chances of overtaking both Sheriff and Real Madrid, should one of those teams fuck up against whoever they will play there.
Inter decided that it was enough of me rambling on about like a cowboy and decided to teach Sheriff a lesson in humility (and spanking), with a 3-1 win at home. But they went through some trouble, since Sheriff did bite back a little bit. Nevertheless, Inter decided to say "STOP!" and give me a break from chatting shit. Still, that doesn't mean it's the end of Sheriff's reign over Group D, but that might become a reality, should-
Should Real Madrid win their next game against Shakhtar Donetsk, who previously defeated 0-5. "Los Blancos" showed no mercy against the Ukrainian side, and dominated in both halfs. They were a force to be reckoned with. And that's where I'll leave it at. Inter beat the Sheriff, and Shakhtar saw red at home...
Group E
Inter decided that it was enough of me rambling on about like a cowboy and decided to teach Sheriff a lesson in humility (and spanking), with a 3-1 win at home. But they went through some trouble, since Sheriff did bite back a little bit. Nevertheless, Inter decided to say "STOP!" and give me a break from chatting shit. Still, that doesn't mean it's the end of Sheriff's reign over Group D, but that might become a reality, should-
Should Real Madrid win their next game against Shakhtar Donetsk, who previously defeated 0-5. "Los Blancos" showed no mercy against the Ukrainian side, and dominated in both halfs. They were a force to be reckoned with. And that's where I'll leave it at. Inter beat the Sheriff, and Shakhtar saw red at home...
Group E
E...
Ah yes, the meme group, where Bayern rapes everyone, and Barcelona celebrate their wins like they have won the competition already.
Bayern vs Benfica was... Interesting at best. The German side, yet again, forced themselves on their victim for the 3rd time in a row. And I mean this in the best way possible, but these guys are not human. I would've felt a lot safer knowing that they can dominate, but also have a chance to get dominated by someone else. But nope. With 12 goals for and FUCKING 0 against, these guys are the Hentai protagonist of this group. Shagging everyone with no fucks given.
Barcelona on the other hand, have been reduced to nothing but bread crumbles. Poor bastards are going through some hard times right now: Losing their legend cause of their debt problem, and themselves not know what to do with the debt and all that. So their win against Dynamo Kyiv, while a good thing, seemed a bit far fetched when it came to celebrating the victory they fought to earn...
Group F
Bayern vs Benfica was... Interesting at best. The German side, yet again, forced themselves on their victim for the 3rd time in a row. And I mean this in the best way possible, but these guys are not human. I would've felt a lot safer knowing that they can dominate, but also have a chance to get dominated by someone else. But nope. With 12 goals for and FUCKING 0 against, these guys are the Hentai protagonist of this group. Shagging everyone with no fucks given.
Barcelona on the other hand, have been reduced to nothing but bread crumbles. Poor bastards are going through some hard times right now: Losing their legend cause of their debt problem, and themselves not know what to do with the debt and all that. So their win against Dynamo Kyiv, while a good thing, seemed a bit far fetched when it came to celebrating the victory they fought to earn...
Group F
F... F stands for FUCK THIS AND FUCK OLE AND HIS BULLSHIT!!!
I am not joking on this one! I am disgusted by how this group's most prominent match went. We got dominated hard by Atalanta in the first half, doing barley anything. We were in the so called "fuck all" mode, and let them fuck us. And don't even get me started on the 2nd half, where we suddenly decided to be prime United from 1992. Big Ron saving us isn't making me happy, it makes me sad about the club and the man himself, being forced to deal with our shit. Post-game analysis from Paul Scholes are the following, but said in my own version: If we played a better side, we'd be fucked hard. We got a lucky win against a team that had 5 players ruled out. Fuck you all for celebrating like we won it all...
On the other side of the group, we have last year's Europa League champions, Villareal, who easily beat a team that is full of children. Putting 4 behind the net, and easily assuring the 3 points that they deserved oh so well. Funniest shit is that their win means they are catching onto us quickly, alongside Atalanta and "The Underage Men Club"...
We are so fucked. How are we even going to survive this season's competition, if we continue like this?
On the other side of the group, we have last year's Europa League champions, Villareal, who easily beat a team that is full of children. Putting 4 behind the net, and easily assuring the 3 points that they deserved oh so well. Funniest shit is that their win means they are catching onto us quickly, alongside Atalanta and "The Underage Men Club"...
We are so fucked. How are we even going to survive this season's competition, if we continue like this?
Group G
Might use this group as sleeping medicine...
This group is legit making me fall asleep. Most boring UCL group to ever scrape the history of the competition. I'm sorry fans of the teams that are here, I'm not saying that the teams are bad, but their chemistry when put together is. They make me feel disinterested and bored really quickly.
To REALLY sum up the group, Salzburg beat Wolfsburg 3-1 and LOSC and Sevilla drew 0-0. That's it...
Group H
To REALLY sum up the group, Salzburg beat Wolfsburg 3-1 and LOSC and Sevilla drew 0-0. That's it...
Group H
"The Old Lady" is the supreme Capo of the group...
The Horny group. The Hentai lads. This group rivals the beloved and innocent society of Group C by a long shot. If they are the good, sweet and innocent boys, then this lot right here is the bad, harsh and impure gang, lead by non other than Juventus
Juve is just doing Juve things. Bullying the others into submission, and sparing no one from their iron fist reign. Although they went easy on Zenit for some reason, beating them 0-1 only. I thought they were gonna show no mercy, since they do have points and are not doing that bad.
But then there's Chelsea who went overboard against Malmo. The poor Swedish side was helpless against "The Blues" from start to finish. Brutally being beaten up and tossed around like ragdolls. Leaving them at the bottom with 0 points and no goals scored. They're -11 in goal difference for Christ sake. I rather not imagine how it would've went down if Bayern was here...
Juve is just doing Juve things. Bullying the others into submission, and sparing no one from their iron fist reign. Although they went easy on Zenit for some reason, beating them 0-1 only. I thought they were gonna show no mercy, since they do have points and are not doing that bad.
But then there's Chelsea who went overboard against Malmo. The poor Swedish side was helpless against "The Blues" from start to finish. Brutally being beaten up and tossed around like ragdolls. Leaving them at the bottom with 0 points and no goals scored. They're -11 in goal difference for Christ sake. I rather not imagine how it would've went down if Bayern was here...
THAT'S ALL FOR MATCHWEEK 3 FOLKS!!! To sum it all up: Group C is innocent as fuck, Liverpool are slaughtering their group, alongside Bayern, who are doing the same thing, United turning me into an insomniac, and Group G just bore the hell out of me.
Until next time
Lord Slayer...
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