This is a bit awkward. But I have a good reason for my late publication of my Premier League Monthly Report: I was super busy defending my thesis for my graduation AND TOTALLY NAILED IT. I GRADUATED COLLEGE AND I NO LONGER HAVE TO EDUCATE MYSELF (Unless I somehow end up doing it, but that’s on me). Oh and another thing: “Lo stronzo degli stronzi”. The reason why my thesis was a success.
So yeah. That’s
the main reason as to why I didn’t write my report for September, and my
defending was done way after October 1st, so I couldn’t write a report
with such delay. I decided to combine both months into one “AUTUMN REPORT”
package and rather than selecting matches from both months, I’m just going to summarise
the performance of each team, starting from the one at the bottom, to the
current leaders (at the time of writing this). The table will be at the end of my
report, as usual.
So let’s start
off by laughing at Southampton…
SOUTHAMPTON
The Championship
is right there, lads! No need to trouble yourselves with embarrassing performances
each week!
WOLVERHAMPTON WANDERERS
From the
underdogs to underwhelming. A team that was once fun to watch is now on its way
to join “The Saints” in the second tier of English football.
IPSWICH TOWN
Everyone
celebrated your return to the Premier League after not being here for more than
20 years. We did speculate you may have a hard time surviving it. And we were
right (sort of). You lot are the only ones that can actually escape the
Relegation zone and stay in the Prem, but in order to do that, you need to win
games, lads. Those 4 draws aren’t helping you out in your survival battle. Step
it up!
CRYSTAL PALACE
Crystil Palico,
more like! Your football is more boring than watching a dubbed Turkish soap
opera or crime drama in Macedonian. You break down the moment the whistle
starts the match, you run with no sense of direction, and how did you even win
a game? That’s shocking in all honesty. But Everton are even worse than you…
EVERTON
You know you’re
absolute dog shite when you manage to make a comeback against Southampton. From
2-0, to 3-2. And not only that, but playing horribly throughout that entire
game. Wrexham’s retired players can beat you with ease, Everton! That’s how bad
you are!
LEICESTER CITY
Pretty average.
I have nothing to say about Leicester. They’re okay…
MANCHESTER UNITED
Gentlemen… We’re
a laughing stock. A big circus if you will. Total buffoonery some might say.
Ten Hag got sacked, and we went on to win a game whilst Ruud Van Nistelrooy was
in charge for like one game. Disastrous performance in both months. Now we have
Sporting Lisbon’s Rúben Amorim as our new manager. At this point, I just want
to see my team win games, play good football and be part of those glorious
Tuesday and Wednesday European nights (which are going to be a nightmare to
report on given the new format). Can’t believe I’m going to say this, but
praying to at least finish in the top half this season…
WEST HAM UNITED
Dropped form
altogether, but they’re not a team that would give up so easily. They have the
players and their positions, but not the quality. Still it’s a team that can be
devastating or ruin your day if you are caught slacking. They also played great
against Man United and beat them 2-1. A decent team with a drop in form, but
can be dangerous if not careful.
NEWCASTLE UNITED
An even bigger
drop in form. Newcastle were hyped to be the next big thing after they got
taken over by the Saudis, but even with that takeover, they’re mediocre at
best. Same as West Ham United. Not much of a threat unless you’re caught
slacking.
BOURNEMOUTH
The last of the
teams that are average at best, but not slouch either. They have actually
played decent football these last 2 months, with the biggest result being their
victory over Arsenal with a score of 2-0. Albeit they can be a bit boring, they
nevertheless can produce some good piece of attacking or defending when it
matters the most. “The Cherries” shouldn’t be underestimated at all…
FULHAM
A solid 10. Not
the best. Not the worst. 3 wins, 3 draws, 3 losses. 12 GF, 12 GA. The
definition of a MID TABLE TEAM…
BRENTFORD
Now this team is
something else. These bastards will sting you when least expected. And even
when prepared, they’re still going to attack. They can put on a good pressure
and keep their opponents on their toes. They may not have the strength that can
match those of Man City, Arsenal or Villa, but can bring them to their knees
with ease. Definitely a team that forces teams to play hard for those 3 points…
SPURS
“They don't play for something important, yeah. They
don't want to play under pressure, they don't want to play under stress. It is
easy in this way. Tottenham's story is this, 20 years there is the owner and
they never won something but why?”
-
Antonio
Conte
NOTTINGHAM FOREST
Ever since their
return, Nottingham has been sitting in mid-table, including last season. But
now? Shit dude! They’re playing some fantastic football and pushing for 5th!
Brilliant playmaking over the last few months has given them plenty to be proud
of. Good defending, amazing attacking. If they keep this momentum, they might
make it back to the UEFA Champions League the next season…
BRIGHTON
This club was
about to get relegated in 1997. And now look at them! Chasing top 4 of all
things. “The Seagulls” diving in for that Champions League spot. Who knows,
like an actual seagull, they may snatch it from someone who’s above them and
careless…
CHELSEA
The London Blues
are dishing out their revenge. And it’s cold, just like Cole Palmer. From “mid-table
mandem” to back to the good old days of Chelsea being really good at football.
5th spot isn’t bad as well. But they are easily caught lacking,
which prevents them from going into top 4. They have to work on their defence
if they want to be outside the Europa League spot.
ASTON VILLA
First in Europe?
Fourth in the Premier League? IS THIS 1982’S ASTON VILLA WE’RE LOOKING AT?
ARSENAL
A cherry popped
your cherry. TWICE! You held your own against Liverpool. Key players are
injured and Arteta has to do wonders with the current squad. But he’s doing
them well. Still, losing to Bournemouth must sting a lot, since you were
defending that sweet, sweet 1st position from City. LIKE HOW HARD
WAS IT TO BEAT AFC BOURNEMOUTH FFS!?!?!?
LIVERPOOL
Even with Klopp
gone, his spirit remains within the squad. The entire team is like a powerful
prebuild computer, and Arne Slott is using it to its full potential. He can
make it even better if he knows how to play his cards well…
MANCHESTER CITY
Even with Rodri
gone, they’re still 1st. They show cracks in their play-style, however.
Harder time scoring lots of goals, creating chances or defending. Even when he
was there, they kind of started to slowly break down little by little.
EVERYONE SHOULD TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THAT AND WIPE THE FLOOR WITH THEM!!!
Hopefully this
is good enough of a recap/report on the performance of the 20 teams in the league. I
have things planned out for November (yes I will write them and publish them
even if it kills me). I have my doubts about it, but as the sayings go: When in doubt, go FlatOut. The Need For
Speed is there within you…
Ѓорѓи
„GioGio“ Илиев
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