We’re slowly approaching the end of spring. What seems to be the end of the beginning and the start of something big and expressive, for me it’s the opposite. In the middle of May right now, the weather has been increasingly warm, the clouds almost non-existent, birds singing from dawn ‘till dusk, the wind appearing from time to time to say hello, and the rain shows up once in a while to ruin the mood a bit. But that doesn’t matter, as most youngsters right now are counting down the hours until the final bell is rang and they’re free to enjoy summer all season long. To spend the days and the nights hanging out with their friends, go to exotic and “exotic” places on vacation, and form new bonds, relationships, or whatever you want to call it.
But basically, young folks just enjoying life.
On the other side of this story is me, someone who has gone through all
of this youth stuff… Being young that is, but has never experienced anything near
what most kids do.
Most of my days spent back then were playing games, reading books or
procrastinate my readings with reading something else, watch anime or just do
nothing. No friendships, no girlfriends, no general directions or goals in
life. I just wanted to slack around and do things that were not really accepted
or approved back then. Just look at kids today: anime is appreciated, no
stigmas or judgement upon things or people for enjoying something niche, weird
or unknown. It’s all fine and dandy now.
Then why is it that every single time summer arrives, I feel like I have
lost it completely? That I have no purpose or meaning in life? Is it because of
all the excitement created by people that want to experience life to its
fullest, whereas I used to be shut in by said people and myself at times? Or is
it because I yearn for something like this to happen at this late period of my
life?
Well truth be told, while I was a person to always spend time at not
home, but inside my room (my real home), I did go out from time to time. The
experiences were pretty mediocre at best. I did stuff others did, such as being
human, breathe like a human, eat like a human. Yet, they were always accompanied
by others. And I was always alone. Would leave the moment I had the chance. On
top of that, the people I knew not only would reject me because of my hobbies,
but because I didn’t do the things they did, such as partying like a wild
animal, drinking, smoking, being “playful” with the ladies…Thus describing me
as “weird” and an “outcast”, despite few of those things not being healthy for
kids. If you know what I mean. This caused me to always say “Fuck summer. I am
yet again stuck alone with no one to hang out with” in my head. But yes, this
portion is a bit of an expansion on the beginning part of this “thoughtful”? “Philosophical”
story I have in mind?
Maybe the real reason why I also feel like I’m crying for the youth I
never had is because of this weird image I’ve made for myself about how youth
really behaves during this season. Or maybe that’s just how it’s always portrayed:
days full of endless fun, spent with friends doing wacky stuff, being a mischievous
little devil, experiencing love, epic birthdays if someone had them…
A bit chaotic to explain why I always feel down when it’s summer. I’m
fully aware of that, but this pain I feel inside me is something that just
happens and maybe there’s a cure for it, but who can be sure if the cure
even exists. The cure may come and make me forget about my troubled
relationship with summer, or give me additional pain if I lose it during
summer.
As I look what I’ve rambled about on this paper, I look at the time and
I start panicking because it’s super late and the sun is rising. I must’ve
spent hours thinking of the many things that bother my soul during the
transition of spring into summer that I’ve lost track of time. I quickly empty
whatever I have left inside my chest, stop writing, throw the paper and pen
somewhere, and go to sleep because it’s super late dude!
And as I am slowly falling asleep, I slowly start to realize that while
my teenage days were spent alone with no friends and no life, I had a lot of
fun doing the things I did. My understanding on things that many have a hard
time explaining or experiencing has increased, I’ve discovered new literature, and
some good comics, manga and anime have been integrated into my mind that are
hard to get rid of. Not only that, but I have managed to find folks that I can
call friends. Sure, life is still hard, but it’s no longer lonely. Loneliness
did play a huge part of my youthful days that I still, even to this day, pay
tribute to it by preferring to be alone than be put in some crowd with people.
Unless the people in question are the friends I know and all of us are in a
park, listening to music, with the snacks and drinks, goofing around with our
nerdy interests, while others are busy being “responsible”.
These overall positive endgame thoughts that put me to sleep, also
caused me to wake up super late and realize I have wasted the whole day
sleeping. Refreshed, and with a whole new perspective on life I have only two
things to say:
- I had a good night sleep
- Fuck summer. It’s always hot. Not allowing people to open the windows
to let some air in. Also the bugs. They suck too.
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