PREMIER LEAGUE MONTHLY REPORT - JANUARY

 

Hot damn it's been a while! The new year kicked off and we had New Years, Christmas, and depends on who you're asking, people enjoying the winter vacation, or lose their shit because of exams. It wasn't a pleasant month for motorsports fans, as the rallying legend and perhaps one of the most influential racers of the current generation, Ken Block, tragically lost his life in a snowmobile accident on January 2nd. A legend of rallying and gymkhana, his stunts, presence and overall laid-back attitude will never be forgotten. 

I apologize for starting off the report with a bit of sad news. He was someone that I knew from various pieces of media, and his videos on YouTube have also been a bit of an inspiration on how to pull off some amazing stunts in the racing games that I play. A little bit about him could do no wrong.

But back on topic, as we start the report with:

EVERTON (these lot are a lost cause)

Everton this season has been doing sweet, sweet fuck all. The entirety of their performance so far can be described as "John Terry fucking it up in Moscow" kinds of terrible. All of their matches, including against the sides that ARE in the Bottom 5, have been terrible with horrendous formation tactics, poor player choices, no real back up plans in case of hitting a wall. LIKE WHO EVEN MANAGES THESE GUYS?! 

Looks at Frank Lampard

That explains everything! Well I sure hope he finds a way to turn things aro-

Frank Lampard gets sacked

Well fuck! Looks like it took Everton a little while for them to sack the former Chelsea legend. He was a good rival to Gerrard at least... When they were players. Right now, former Burnley manager Sean Dyche is in charge of the "Toffees" on a two and a half year contract. His sacking from Burnley last season, in my humble (and honest opinion) was harsh and unfair. He is a good manager and I'm sure he can drag Everton out of the mud in no time.

SOUTHAMPTON

I just wanted to mention how shit they are this season. That's all.

LIVERPOOL & CHELSEA (and a bit of Brighton)

What can be said about Liverpool? A club with prestigious history, filled with trophies, medals, legends, and stories from rivals from the past and the present. They have been with us since the FA was established back in the 19th century.

AND YET NOW THEY SUCK ASS!!! No joke!

Liverpool this season has been the biggest shock so far. The first of the due that will be mentioned in this section, The "Scousers" have been on a L-streak for the last few months, not just January. As for the month itself, it's been disastrous. Being unable to find focus and strategy to do anything is perhaps their biggest issue for their current result. Or maybe the good luck charm is finally over and are now back to what they were 10 years ago: A MID-TABLE CLUB!!! They also lost to Brighton 2-1 in the FA Cup (shoutout to Brighton for being a good side this season. 6th on the table with 31 points. Nice one, "Seagulls"). Liverpool are a joke!

And Chelsea are as much of a joke as Liverpool. Graham Potter leaving his former side Brighton was a questionable move. He started the season with good wins. But his time at Chelsea could be cut short, should he continue to play with the current style at the moment: that style being lower-end table side with focus on luck over actual possession, passes, and keeping pressure, something Chelsea are known for.

NEWCASTLE UNITED

So. Newcastle. I have a question for you: WHAT DRUGS DO YOU DO? I want some too!

Jokes aside, Newcastle have been wonderful this season so far. Last year, they were in the Bottom 3, struggling to win games or even draw doodles. But now? THEY ARE AN UNSTOPPABLE TRAIN, WRECKING HAVOC WHEREVER THEY GO! They have plenty of draws, but even those can be considered as wins. 10 wins, 9 draws and 1 FREAKIN' LOSS? Jesus Christ!

Eddie Howe has taken the club and is transforming it into a powerhouse. Maybe a bit too much of a compliment, but I had to say something on their current performance in the Prem. Maybe the Arab buyout was a good move in the end. But nevertheless, Newcastle United are on a run this season, currently sitting 3rd in the League, sharing the same points as Manchester United. If they continue their form like this, they might become the new Blackburn Rovers. You know, like how Blackburn were back in the 90s, a strong Premier League side and winning trophies...

ARSENAL & MANCHESTER UNITED

And to conclude the report of the month, we have teams that are having a blast playing football right now. The first giant is from North London, the menace that is currently toying with the Premier League, and an actual weapon loaded with ammo, it's none other than ARSENAL.

Mikel Arteta must've told Arsenal to Run n' Gun everything and everyone, if they want to be #1. And it's working. Their playstyle is very efficient and straight to the point, except it isn't. It's wide, narrow and THEN it gets straight to the point. In simplified terms, that would be attacking from the sides, and pass it to the main attacker or just go for goal. In terms of their defence, applying multiple players to guard players that may have planned out a cross, a target for said cross, or a long shooter is something I WANT TO SEE IN MY CLUB. Question is: Are they doing that?

Nketiah (2x) & Saka, in what is considered a modern Premier League CLASSIC. This phenomenal game between the "Gunners" and the "Red Devils" was out of this WORLD. No actual highlights because Arena forgot to do it, and posting the actual highlights would prevent you from watching them on my blog. Has to be done on YouTube.

To answer the previous question: Are Manchester United doing good or nah?

YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!! YES!!!

YES!!!!!

They absolutely are! After the whole fiasco with Ronaldo having his contract terminated and joining Saudi Arabian side Al-Nassr, Manchester United's form has never felt this good. Once "Big Ron" was gone, Erik Ten Hag cracked his knuckles and proceeded to show the team that football is a TEAM game, not based on an individual and their ego. Attacking, attacking and nothing but attacking. Fernandes, Rashford, Martial, the newest signing Casemiro, and fucking hell, even MAGUIRE, are all top class lads right now. Constant teamwork with the current squad has led United to have an impressive 7-win streak, stopped by Crystal Palace with their 1-1 draw on 18.01.2023. 

The only heartbreaking moment was our defeat from Arsenal on 22.01.2023, where after a fierce and epic match, it was Nketiah that broke us completely and K.O'd us with a heavy blow. But throughout the game we were fantastic. The better team won in the end, and that's just fine. What I cared about the most is for Manchester United to play good, win games, and earn back the reputation they lost years ago. It will be a lengthy process, but I believe now that we're on the right path of becoming the threat we once were.

Oh and we bullied Man. City and Haaland lmao...

United chose violence in this game. And it paid off. Lesson is: Violence is ALWAYS the answer to all your problems.

Rashford and Martinez scored the goals that pushed United to fight relentlessly against Arsenal. And despite the loss, it was ultimately a huge win for us, as we showed the haters that they need to lay off Twitter and touch grass...

TABLE

And this wraps up my report for January. I kind of didn't want to include EVERY side for this one, and only focus on the more memorable parts of the month. Featured less footage, but more info about the current trends happening in the Prem. That being said, it doesn't look too shabby. Talking about the interesting aspects of the League can also count as a report now, eh?

Also the lack of posts is due to me just not feeling that motivated to write at the minute. Had some things going on that made me kick it back for a bit and just release the tension... Through some RIPPING & TEARING (a foreshadow of sorts maybe?). Anyhow, it's February, and I am feeling the need for some writing. Might actually become active and procrastinate less and post some things I have in mind, whether they're poems, stories, reviews, and whatever the fuck will happen during this month with the Prem.

Sayonara, lads. Until next time!

Ѓорѓи "GioGio" Илиев