IZ A HALLOWEEN!!!
IZ A SPOOKY MONTH!!!
IZ A REPORTING TIEM!!!
October, without any doubt, was an
AWESOME month for the Premier League. It saw some fire matches, teams beating
the odds, send shivers down the fans’ spines, and it was overall a fan-fucking-tastic
month of football. So much so that I really
had a hard time trying to select which matches would represent this month,
since 90% of them were that amazing. After careful considerations, the selected
champions have been chosen, and I am more than happy to summarise them to you
on how they went down, and add some additional information regarding the team’s
performance of the month.
Before I indulge with my report, I just
want to write this here: WTF HAPPENED ON OCTOBER 21st? DID WE PISS
OFF SOMEONE OR SOMETHING? Because what happened on that day is madness. I’m of
course talking about the Champions League, which will be featured on my blog
again following the previous year’s format of writing about it once the league
phase has concluded. But on October 21st, half of the teams that
played scored 5+ goals, and the other half saw red cards. Seriously, what the
fuck?
And now, onto our feature presentation…
Talk about clapping some ass cheeks like
a professional.
Bournemouth are on FIRE!!! And that’s a
fact, because so far, 9 matchweeks in and they’re 2nd IN THE LEAGUE.
BLOODY 2nd!
This is all thanks to Andoni Iraola’s
incredible high pressure tactics, amazing offensive game and iron wall defence
against his opponents. Not to mention, Semenyo who scored 2 incredible goals in
this game, and his teammate, Justin Kluivert, son of THE KLUIVERT, who scored
an absolute smashing screamer, like GOD DAMN, SON!!! TAKE A BOW!!!
From the start and until the end of the
match, Bournemouth had the game in the bag. Creative play from the players,
lots of chances taken, and while the iron walled defence was partially vibe
checked by Sessegnon in the 70th minute, The Cherries knew what they
were doing.
A pleasing performance from a pleasing
side. Well done, lads!
LIVERPOOL vs. MANCHESTER UNITED
Arne
Slot: What in the actual fu-
Maguire:
Good evening, Arne Slot. I am Lord Harry Maguire. Protector of the Theatre of
Dreams. God of clutches.
Nah I got to be brutally honest with
this one: Seeing Liverpool getting clapped silly by us, at Anfield, after not
beating them proper in 10 years there, IN THIS ECONOMY!?!?!? I must be
dreaming.
Liverpool conceded after 62 seconds.
62!!! Shambolic defending from the Scousers allowed Mbuemo to find the back of
the net with extreme ease, but at the cost of MacAlister, who got injured by
Virgil Van Dijk amidst the attempt of stopping United’s early attack. The
injury did look nasty and I hope the lad is doing well. But that defending from
Virgil was catastrophic, just as a Youtuber I know who is known for his
questionably shambolic, not to mention quite life threateningly and horrific
looking trim. Maybe if he were to play for Liverpool, he might’ve saved them.
But alas, his knee injury prevented him from doing so.
Conceding a goal in the 1st
minute of the game from your arch rivals is already a pretty bad sign. How
about being so fucking disorganised and lost on the field that each attempt at
a goal resulted in either missing the target, hitting the post, or delivering
it straight at the goalkeeper. Senne Lammens,
United’s replacement for the one that shall not be mentioned, was
PHENOMENAL THROUGH AND THROUGH! The young Belgian lad put his heart and soul to
defend the goal from the opposition, but an unfortunate positioning costed him to
concede from Cody Gakpo in the 78th minute, who, throughout the
entire match, was making out with the goal posts. I’m not kidding, this guy has
more success with romance than the one chad you know that can pull any girl using
anything or any words.
By the 84th minute, both
teams sort of had an exchange of attacks, with United being slightly better in
this regard, but also extremely lucky. A failed attack which was quickly
retried thanks to a lucky landing on Bruno Fernandes, who kicked the ball in
the 6 yard box, only to find Harry Maguire’s big ol’ forehead and seal the deal
in favour of United. Liverpool fans resigned from life after that goal.
I sound like the happiest man alive
(judging by how lengthy this part of my report is), but can you blame me? The
whole month, United played fantastic football! 2-0 against Sunderland, 2-1
against Liverpool, and an incredible 4-2 win against Brighton. I pray to God
for this form to not drop and continue marching on, on, ON!
Liverpool, on the other hand… They beat
Frankfurt 5-1 in the Champions League… I mean, that’s great and all, but back
home, you lot are a punching bag at the moment, with Palace being your
favourite user. I have nothing else to add except I’m happy we are finding our
form, but marching on to completely overhaul ourselves is #1 priority, as for
the Scousers… It do be like that.
The excitement does not STOP!
Sunderland are an even bigger shocker to
the Prem than anyone else. The Black Cats are known for being here and then departing back to where
they came from, with a 1-2 year of wait for them to return and repeat the
process all over again. But right now, no. They refuse to get knocked down.
So far, they have been doing pretty good
in the first 10 (almost 10) matchweeks. 5 wins, 2 draws and losses, like
DAYUMN!!! You could say their manager Régis Le Bris is the reason behind their
success, but just like Bournemouth, Sunderland also have a fantastic set of
players, in particular, Traore, Sadiki, Ballard, Hume, Isidor and GRANIT
FUCKING XHAKA! The last player I mentioned is in my eyes the best transfer of
the season. A fantastic footballer, being the main supporting pillar of the
team’s Starting XI was Sunderland’s best move by far.
As for the match itself, Chelsea scored
early in the 4th minute, thanks to Garnacho. But the Black Cats were
quick to respond. A goal from Isidor in the 22nd minute, followed by
manipulating Chelsea into thinking they stood a chance, only for Sunderland to
score the winner in the 93rd minute, with Talbi being the hero of
the game.
All in all, Sunderland being in the top
5, let alone the top half of the table, is mesmerizingly beautiful.
ASTON VILLA vs. MANCHESTER CITY
Wot
ze fok?
No seriously, what the fuck? Is City
alright? Are they going through something? Do they need some… CASH TO SOLVE ALL
OF THEIR PROBLEMS???
Well fear not, City. Cash came by to
give you all something you’ve been trying to avoid for the last few weeks: MORE
TROUBLE!!!
Apart from my horrid joke, the match
itself was alright. Nothing too spectacular, if I’m being honest. But the fact
that City couldn’t get through Villa, who are struggling at the moment, speaks
volumes of the problems that the club has. Either both City and Liverpool find
a way to sort this shit out, or they will be saying “it do be like that” after
a few more defeats.
STANDINGS
There were so many more out there that
if I were to put them in my report, this would’ve become a book by the time I
released it. A super satisfying month of football with lots of memorable
matches and upsets. November is next, which means we’re officially entering in the
middle of the season. Stay safe, enjoy yourselves, happy Halloween (if you’re
celebrating that), and until next time.
Ѓорѓи „GioGio“ Илиев
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