PREMIER LEAGUE MONTHLY REPORT - NOVEMBER

 

Well this is a bit weird, but expected.

Since the World Cup starts this weekend, every single major league in the world is on a break until the second week of December. I won't be doing any deep dives into every match or anything like that, but rather, I would do something similar to what I did back with my Euro 2020 recap. Also, the tournament might give me some break from football and gaming, and start writing more poems or stories, or whatever I come up with. If there are 2 or more teams per column, they will be ordered according to their position in the league, like this: Team A (5th), Team B (4th), etc. This will be only if they have the same amount of points only. I do have to say, I am pretty inconsistent with my reports, but at least I stay on track with them. 

I feel that despite the inconsistency, I don't fuck up my posts too much, unlike: 

Wolves, Southampton & Nottingham Forest

These three clubs will be placed in one column. Their last 5 games have been trash, shit, horrible, dreadful. You name it, it was. Wolverhampton in particular have been receiving too much shit this season. Their last 5 matches ended with 1 draw and 4 FUCKING DEFEATS. I am not a fan of Wolves, but last season they were super great. What happened to them? Lack of good players? Lack of guide? Not too sure myself, but the results speak for themselves. One of their players, Raul Jimenez, is part of the Mexican squad, despite not having little to no playtime in the Prem.

I am not even gonna skip over how bad Southampton are. It's so bad that there are no news about their players, managers, or anything worth talking. November started off badly for them. It gets worse when they faced Sheffield Wednesday in EFL Cup, with a score that finished 1-1. They eventually won 6-5 on penalties, but that's not saying much. Complete catastrophe, this club is. 

And then we have Nottingham Forest. 'Nuff said.

Everton & West Ham

Oh fucking boy! What do we have here. A Liverpool and a London club pulling their hairs out figuring out how to escape the Bottom 5. Unfortunately, their last 2 matches say otherwise.

Everton are a joke. There's no doubt. No need to beat around the bush about them. Frank Lampard is a legendary player, and has my respect for what he has done for Chelsea. One of England's finest. But as a manager, he is just not cut out for it. In fact, why do clubs hire former legends as managers? Why the fuck is that a thing? Worthy mention is how they lost TWICE from Bournemouth in TWO DIFFERENT COMPETITIONS: First loss was during the Third Round of the EFL Cup, which they got knocked out with the score being 4-1. Then 4 days later. YES! 4 FUCKING DAYS LATER, they lost to the same team 3-0. HOW DO YOU FUCK IT UP SO BAD?

West Ham should be ashamed of themselves. They basically have the players, but what they lack is a good manager to guide them properly. Agile and strong players ain't worth it if the leader is clueless on how to use them. Focusing on the Conference League is great, but it'd also be great if you focused on the league you come from, mister Moyes. Can't believe this twat was our manager. Actually, that explains why they are fucking horrible. Oh and lost to Blackburn Rovers in the cup. Nice! Fucking nice!

15. Leeds United

One fuck up and they drop to the Bottom 5. Leeds are hanging for dear life at the moment, but they do play at least.

Elland Road saw their side win a nail-biting 4-3 game against Bournemouth. Moreno's goal in the 3rd minute was the first early goal Leeds has scored since 2001. It was a good way to start the match, but soon, the opposition came down and scored 3 goals to temporarily shut up Leeds. Couple of minutes later (like I guess around 45 mins later or something like that), the score was tied. And then came Crysencio Jilbert Sylverio Cirro Summerville (what kind of a fucking name is this? HOLY SHIT IT'S LONG!) in the 84th minute with the milk. Leeds won it and secured the 3 points. 

Meanwhile, this was Bournemouth's 2nd comeback defeat, having lost the previous one to Tottenham with a score of 2-3. Speaking of them...

Seeing a team cheering their hero after scoring a comeback goal is always awesome, but Christ! That name...

14. Bournemouth

Their November report can be found within the previous statements.

The positive side of the report was during their games against Everton, where they defeated them twice with a huge goal difference. What's interesting is that Everton has never won a game against "The Cherries" whenever they were the away side, thus making Bournemouth a thorn in Everton's sight.

The negative side are the games versus Tottenham and Leeds. Two back-to-back comeback defeats is just heartbreaking. As someone who has experienced losing games that I was winning, I can relate to "The Cherries" and their bad run against these 2 sides. But overall, they are doing fine. 1 point above Leeds, but have been the better side so far. Decent quality players, and a manager that knows what he's doing, the team can end up either being the team that introduces the Top 10, or be in a higher position of the Top 10. Anyways, here are their highlights of them demolishing Everton:

Shieeeet, son! You just can't pop this cherry. It's too strong to be popped 😉

13. Leicester City

"The Foxes" are redeeming themselves. Each game is an improvement for the team's morale, chemistry and quality. From a slow and bad start, to a decent revival that finds them situated at the #13 spot on the table. The Top 10 is so close for them. They can come back to the top half with the others, I just know it.

Regarding their games in November, they were fantastic. With ease they managed to beat Everton and West Ham. Both matches ending with the score 2-0. They were like disgusting freeloaders, marching into someone's home, causing chaos, not clean up their mess, refusing to elaborate on why they did the things they did, and then leave without saying a word. You know what they say: It's a 2 win streak. 2 = V(ictory)...

That joke was shit honestly, just watch their highlights, please:

12. Aston Villa

Since the sacking of Gerrard, Villa has been on a decent run. Their results vary, but not their performance.

And November was quite the month for them: beating Brighton and Man United were no easy feat. Actually, who am I fooling. It was an easy task. They destroyed our asses the moment the game started, and made Brighton look like a League 1 side.

A lot of the praise for the team goes not only to the manager, but the players too! Having the team play as an actual team is great. Couthino, Young & Mings are great, but they're even better when they and the rest work as one. Who knows what will happen to do if they continue this good run. But for now, they should feel contempt and optimistic for future games.

1-2 may have been the score, but Villa's play was something else...

Crystal Palace, Brentford & Fulham

We have a 3 way tie with teams that have 19 points each. The only difference is the goal difference. And how their matches finished of course.

Palace made quick work of West Ham in their 1-2 win, with goals from Zaha & Olise. And then a disappointing loss against Nottingham Forest with 1-0.

BRENTFORD BEAT FUCKING CITY!!!

Unlucky run for Fulham. November just wasn't on their side. Lost both times from the Manchester teams. First from City, with a score of 2-1, and whose team had a man down. That was Cancelo, who had to leave the pitch in the 26th minute due to a red card. Then they lost to Man United at home, with the same score. Garnacho made a name for himself, because he became the league's youngest 90th minute winner, at the age of 18 years and 135 days.

Honestly this is the only highlights reel worth watching...

Chelsea & Brighton

I'll use a quote that I like to write down a lot when reporting on something that was bad or humiliating. These words of wisdom were, unironically, used by an Indian Chelsea supporter: “There is no PASSION, there is no VISION, there is no AGGRESSION, there is no FUCKING MINDSET in this hockey club. NOTHING is there. WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS FOOTBALL CLUB? Tell me now. WHAT THE HELL IS IN THIS FOOTBALL CLUB”. They progressed in the Champions League at least.

As for Brighton, they narrowly escaped defeat at the hands of Wolves. With the score of 2-3, this Seagull avoided being eaten by the hungry and weary Wolf. Outsmarting it was its only chance for survival. And would you believe it? It fucking worked! Now they're 7th, above Chelsea, and breathing down on the team that occupies the #6 spot on the table. That team being...

6. Liverpool

It's surreal seeing Liverpool out of the Top 5. Like I'm watching the early 2010s all over again. Klopp coming up with excuses as to why they lose matches, losing players due to injuries, fuck all starting XIs, 0 IQ tactics, non-existent defending.

And these Scouse bastards made me feel worried that they will dominate English football? What a joke! 2 years ago they were unstoppable. Now they can't touch the ball, even if their lives depended on it. Only salvageable thing they have done thus far is advancing in Round of 16 in the Champions League. Not even their wins against Spurs & Southampton are worth showing, because of how terrible their game plan was during those 2 games. Same goes for their CL games. How are they 6th?
I'll tell you how:

5. Manchester United

ANOMALY: noun [ Countable or Uncountable ] - a person or thing that is different from what is usual, or not in agreement with something else and therefore not satisfactory:

- Statistical anomalies can make it difficult to compare economic data from one year to the next.

- The anomaly of the social security system is that you sometimes have more money without a job.

- Manchester United, despite having yet another terrible season, and having their personal problems with Ronaldo become public, they are 5th on the table

Big congrats on Garnacho's feat. Keep up the great work, son!

Actually, hold up!

Manchester United, Spurs, Newcastle, Manchester City & Arsenal

ANOMALY: noun [ Countable or Uncountable ] - a person or thing that is different from what is usual, or not in agreement with something else and therefore not satisfactory:

- Statistical anomalies can make it difficult to compare economic data from one year to the next.

- The anomaly of the social security system is that you sometimes have more money without a job.

- Manchester United, despite having yet another terrible season, and having their personal problems with Ronaldo become public, they are 5th on the table

- Spurs, despite eating shit during November, and a draw against Sporting Lisbon in the Champions League, they are 4th on the table

- Newcastle, just being in the Top 3 is an anomaly in itself

- Manchester City, were doing great. Fantastic even. And then they encountered Brentofrd and fucked it all up. 2nd place behind the leaders, with their chances of overtaking them reduced to 55%. 

- Arsenal. HOW ARE THESE TWATS STILL 1st!?!?!?!?!?!?

How is this team still in 1st place? Are they actually going to win the fucking title? To be honest, I would kind of like that. Would be a nice change of champion, because all we've had was City for the last 10 or so years being dominant all the time

AND I AM DONE!!!
I feel like this time around, the report I have written is much better than the previous one for October. Sure I still did shortcuts to save time, but after carefully analyzing each and every team, their current standings and positions, some of these quirky and funny changes had to be made. Especially regarding the Top 5, as the standing for those teams are some of the most baffling shit I've ever seen in my life. NEWCASTLE AT 3rd? US AT 5th WITH THE SHIT WE'RE DEALING WITH RIGHT NOW???? It's ridiculous.

But anyways, football reports will take a break from tomorrow up until the final day of the World Cup. In the meantime, I'll be writing the usual poems & stories, to fill the gap and distance myself from repeating the things I did last year, which were mostly reports and... Reports, really.

Anyways, I'm off. See ya after the World Cup, everyone!

IT'S COMING HOME! 

IT'S COMING HOME!
IT'S COMING!
FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME!

IT'S COMING HOME! 

IT'S COMING HOME!
IT'S COMING!
FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME!

Ѓорѓи „GioGio“ Илиев