It is not this often that I'd end up falling head over heels for a game that its main priority is the story with its huge amounts of dialogue and cutscenes over the gameplay. However, this may be just me. Since this game felt different from what I'm used to: and that's games with focus on gameplay first, story second (or almost non-existent). Sure, I've played games that were the complete opposite of what I play nowadays, but none of those games come close to what this game had to offer. Action, drama, laughs, tears, feels... All in this one amazing 25 GB package. Man... This game is just too good. I'd say just go a nd buy it, but I need to explain what this game is and what contains, no? With this little introduction out of the way, it's time to talk about the game's little history, in other words, YAKUZA INTRODUCTION.
YAKUZA INTRODUCTION
The Yakuza series starts its journey in the distant 2005 (okay, now I feel old knowing 2005 was 16 years ago. Holy shit) when SEGA's video game producer and designer, Toshihiro Nagoshi ( 名越 稔洋, Nagoshi Toshihiro) said "Fuck it!" and decided to make a game about the infamous Japanese organized group known as Yakuza. But besides the fact that he did not have that mindset, he still wanted to make the game, based somewhat on his life. And with this in mind, Nagoshi set out to make this game a reality. And in December 2005, the first game in the series was released. Yakuza, or its original name, Ryū ga Gotoku (龍が如く, Like a Dragon) became a smash hit in Japan. It'd take over a decade for the popularity of the franchise to catch up in the west. And the prime suspect for this HUGE rise in fame is none other than... Yakuza 0.
SHORT PLOT SYNOPISIS
"1988", as is the tagline for the game, says it all. Game is set in the 1980s, during Japan's bubble era, in which inflation of real estate and stock markets were extremely high. Thus, leading into a stagnation. Prices of assets and markets were all over the place. And this is all present throughout the game. On the cover art, in the gameplay, in the story, in the stores. Literally, everything is MONEY. But despite the time period and the money business, the story doesn't focus on that. The story follows Kazuma Kiryu, one of the two protagonists playable in this game, and a member of the Dojima Family, a subsidiary of the biggest clan in Japan, the Tojo Clan. He ends up beating up some guy in a certain "Empty Lot", assuming he did the yakuza dirty. After the beatdown, he recruits with his sworn brother (兄弟, kyōdai) and go out to have some fun. Unfortunately, news break out next morning about an incident that happened last night in some "Empty Lot". A dead body was found, and that the murderer has been identified (the murderer being Kazuma Kiryu). Now, framed for a murder he did not commit, Kiryu-chan ends up in a hellhole in which he has to trust the right people and beat up (never kill, because he doesn't do that) those that stand in his way... On his path on becoming the Legendary Dragon of Dojima.
The second protagonist, and a fan favorite, is Goro Majima, member of the Shimano Family, another subsidiary of the Tojo Clan. Unlike Kiryu, Majima hasn't committed any serious beatdowns. In fact, he should have been kicked out of the yakuza long ago for disobeying orders. But, since there is some "hope" for Goro, he is released as a civilian and becomes a manager of a cabaret club, with a mission however: Bring back 100 million yen in profits, and his place back in the yakuza is assured. Supervised by a friend of the Family's captain, now his life is like a prison. It gets worse when later in the story, he is tasked with murdering a target related to the "Empty Lot". Since he is also a person like Kiryu, not having it in himself to kill another person, he decides to do a complete 180 and save his target. With that decision in mind, his troubles have just started. And his path on becoming a Legendary Mad Dog has begun. And you know what? These pricks are a huge pain in the ass. They want 2 innocent boys to do some shit for some dirty money. Well jokes on the Clan itself, since both Kiryu and Goro help each other indirectly. Their story in this game is like 2 semi parallel lines . Different people with different tasks, but both are connected and end up colliding and uniting in the end, to conclude the game's overall story.
Majima Goro, the charming owner of the cabaret club "Cabaret Grand"
Kazuma Kiryu, the stoic, yet righteous "Dragon" of the Dojima Family
GAMEPLAY
The game's gameplay is very simple, yet addicting. It's a beat 'em up game, meaning that you are up against a group of foes, or a boss, that you have to take down. Unlike 3D fighting games, where you are always locked onto your opponent, here you can either have your sights on one target or just face yourself towards a group and let your fists and legs do the talking. On top of being a beat 'em up, the game is also open world. You can go to various stores, shops, shogi parlors, disco, karaoke, bowling, arcades, and much, much... MUCH MORE!!! THERE'S ALL SORTS OF SHIT TO DO IN THIS GAME THAT IT IS HARD TO PUT IT IN THIS ONE SHORT REVIEW!!! I'd have to write a book about them because of their quantity. Huge quantity, with an equal HUGE quality. Back on the fighting, the protagonists have 3 different fighting styles/stances (with a 4th secret one). Each of their fighting styles have their ups and downs. Those being: -Brawler/Thug - The basic and canonical stances for Kiryu and Majima. To avoid confusion, I'll be listing the styles as the following: Kiryu/Majima. In this case being that the first style is Kiryu's and the second's first style is Majima's. Kiryu's Brawler is based on delivering powerful punches with medium speed. Majima's Thug style takes a more acrobatic approach, with him using moves that are very gymastics-like. While not as strong as Kiryu's Brawler, it's a bit faster. - Rush/Breaker - Rush is the second style unlocked for Kiryu. A super fast kickboxing hybrid fighting style that rewards the players with great joy knowing that they have avoided attacks with great speed, and then delivering back attacks with said speed. Majima's Breaker however is... Unorthodox. The dude is using freestyle to fight people... I don't need to explain further. - Beast/Slugger - Beast is perhaps my personal favorite style, delivering huge Heruclan blows that deal a fuck ton of damage, at the cost of your speed. You become a tank basically with this fighting style. Slugger on the other hand, is Majima using a baseball bat to do his handjobs on the enemies. Using a Metal Bat as a nunchaku never gets old.
On top of the protagonists having different fighting styles, each style has it's own music theme. And they are FUCKING AWESOME (Slugger being my favorite out of them all). But with different styles, we also have various finishers. The Heat moves. The game has a so called "Heat meter" that fills by either medicine consumption or hitting opponents. And once it surpasses the 1st gauge, and if you find yourself in a good position with an enemy (whether they're on the ground, performing a counter, or are at a certain distance), you can do a special move that it's cinematic, but AMAZING to look at. And the special delivery blows would probably give you great satisfaction.
As I mentioned the medicine, you can buy various items that will either restore your health, heat, or maybe both; or items that will grant you certain abilities or resistance to some weapons or elements. Lots of traditional Japanese food can be consumed, alongside some burgers. Same goes for the drinks, from sake to milkshakes, this game has you covered. I get hungry just by thinking about the food.
Kazuma's fighting styles can also be upgraded too
Same goes for this crazy lovable bastard
SUB-STORIES
Normally, this portion of the review would fall under the gameplay aspect of the game, but it 's a different chapter, mostly because of 2 sub-stories that leave a great impact on the development of the characters. Those being the Real Estate Agency sub-story for Kiryu, and the Cabaret Sunshine sub-story for Majima. Both of these stories, once completed, will unlocked the previously mentioned secret 4th fighting style. But getting to the end is no easy task: - Kiryu's Real Estate is a pain. His job is to go out and reach out certain facilities and buy them out. Once he is done humping every building he can find, then he will be challenged buy a "King". The story has 5 antagonists. 5 Kings named "The Five Billionaires". Those are: Leisure King, Electronics King, Pleasure King, Gambling King and Media King. Each King shares a land of properties that you must go out and acquire 100% of it. Once you do that, you'll be challenged to a fight. Win and you'll end up with COMPLETE DOMINATION. Once you defeat them all, alongside the secret Finance King, you'll acquire the "Dragon of Dojima" fighting style. On the bright side, you can assign managers and security in the areas you've conquered to get yourself money in the most charming and passive way possible. - Majima's Cabaret side story is a JOY. You are in charge of a failing cabaret club, and it is your mission to make it #1 and blow everyone else out of the competition (The one Majima controls is just a decoy, so it doesn't count). Scout for girls and make them part of your hostess army. You can play dress up with the girls and up their stats: make them sexy or cute, or geeky and funny. Once you are done with the dress up, you are ready to open your club and treat your customers as kings. Give them the lady they want, help out if there is a need for that, and protect your girls if they're harassed. And just like Kiryu, this one also has antagonists. If you end up beating them in a duel, you can end up beating them with your fists and win their premium hostess as a reward. Grind and repeat that a couple of times, and you'll unlock "Mad Dog of Shimano".
Seeing Kiryu using money as a fan is pure awesomeness. He's so hot when doing that!
お客様は神様 (Okyakusama Wa Kamisama - The Customer is King)
FINAL NOTES AND TRIVIA
I don't know what else to write down for this game. There are so many things to write down and mention that, I unfortunately don't have it in me to do it right now. The game's story is one that made me excited to see what will happen next, and the side stories made me feel like I'm procrastinating from my main job. The music for this game is also God-Tier. Captures the Essence of the 80s perfectly. Graphics are also fantastic. And the game is well optimized to run on low computers too. And since now I ran out of stuff to write, get the game... NOW!!!!!!
TRIVIA: - The districts in which the game's main plot takes place: Kamurocho (神室町, Kamuro-chō, Kamuro District), located in Tokyo, and Sotenbori (蒼天堀, Sōtenbori), located in Osaka, are based on the real life districts Kabukicho and Dōtonbori respectively. - The game gathered its huge following thanks to a meme that circulated in mid 2020, with the infamous song "Baka Mitai". - All establishments and stores are actually licensed. Don Quijote being one of the places where you can go shop for various items. - Since this is a SEGA game, an arcade store with various SEGA games released during the 80s can be visited and played. Space Carrier is awesome. - The karaoke songs are stuck in my head. They are that good.
VARIOUS SCREENSHOTS AND VIDEOS
All of the videos belong to the people that made them and uploaded them onto Youtube. The Yakuza series belong to SEGA.
"Finally... Work is done. And it's Friday. And we don't work on Monday. TIME TO PARTY LIKE IT'S 1994", I say this to myself realizing that I have forgotten my umbrella and that it was a rainy day and that I will go back home soaking wet. But that didn't bother me, since my mind was focused on the weekend and me being a lazy piece of shit doing nothing productive. Saved my work, prepared my briefcase, parted ways with some fellow colleagues, who also had the same plans for the weekend, and went to the super market to get prepared. Bought a lot of good stuff. Mainly tortillas and soda. Oh and some food. Can't forget that. Went to the checkout to purchase my items from the cart and I heard two guys talking:
-"Yeah. Max trained this track like crazy bro. I don't know how is he still playing it?"
-"Well, the usual suspects of finishers would be Jay, Cole, Rip, Sylvester and Max. Me and Lloyd take up the next 4 slots."
-"Woah! That's rad! I wish I could do it, but it's just so damn hard. Agostini is a really hard track."
Agostini... That name sounded familiar when he said that. But fuck it. A weekend is waiting for me.
Walking back home on a rainy day sure feels great, especially since the rain itself wasn't heavy. It felt nice honestly. Some people were running to avoid getting soaked, some were enjoying it like me, and some were cardio training with hoodies and whatnot. I kept thinking to myself "Whackos... All of them. Even those that are enjoying the rain." As I was heading towards home, I passed through a game center that used to hold Pocket Circuit Races all the time back in the day. Days were spent buying cars and upgrading them and trying to compete in various tournaments. While I wasn't the best of the best, I was well respected by many. I even held the crown for the longest endurance racer, with 2 hours and 15 minutes on the track, without having to stop and getting my battery changed every 15 minutes. That tournament, rightfully called "Most Wanted" and was a race n' chase tournament, where I was being the chased one, put me on the spot for being a guy that was good at racing, but was an even better out-runner, I got a huge discount on parts for that win.
After my flashback of the good old days ended, I noticed there were people there. Granted, I did not feel like entering, I checked through the window. And I couldn't believe my eyes. Pocket Circuit Racing. Kids, teens, and people of my age (who I assume are veterans) were all racing and having fun. I couldn't believe this shit. I thought this place closed down 6 years ago due to financial issues. How did it reopen again? AND HOW DID I NOT PASS THROUGH THIS STREET TO NOTICE IT ALL?!?!?!?
Unfortunately, because I was feeling tired, I headed home, undressed, put on my casual clothes on (underwear and... yeah. Just that) and spent the day doing nothing but watching cartoons, anime, reading some manga, stealing some good memes, watching some... "educational" videos, and most importantly: Breaking my neck listening to Slayer. This whole venture lasted for like 6-7 hours at best. And then it was bed time. Fell asleep quickly.
AND I slept like a baby and woke up feeling refreshed. But the revived Pocket Circuit Racing center was on my mind since yesterday, even throughout my whole slacking off, so I ate my cereal and headed out to find out what this was all about.
I went to the center and it was open. Entering the facility was like walking back in time. Place hasn't change a bit since the last time we were there, saying our goodbyes, whilst holding back our tears. I looked around for the entrance booth to ask what this was all about. I got there and there was a line of people. "Fuck me!", I thought to myself. Thankfully, the line disappeared quickly and it was my turn:
-"Welcome! What can I do for you today?"
-"Hello! I was wondering about this place. Didn't it shut down 6 years ago?"
-"Oh yeah it did. The original owners ran into some financial issues and couldn't keep the business going. Fortunately, not long after, a couple of dedicated racers decided to have talks with the previous owners to get it reopened again. Of course, ran by the same people that planned on reviving the whole Pocket Racing scene."
-"Really? I swear I never saw anyone come here before."
-"Well, the talks were held in a different neighborhood, where it was eventually reopened. Then the places got changed around, but not too much. This is the third location actually. We decided to bring it back to its original place. And it was a good move too. Plus, it's accessible for everyone from all over the city."
-"That's... Some epic shit right there, dude."
-"Indeed it is."
-"I see you still have the leaderboards for all those years ago."
I slowly approached the now called "legacy" leaderboards and found my name on the "Most Wanted" tournament board.
-"Ah yes. The "Most Wanted" tournament. It was quite the showdown. I still remember the day when I almost caught the racer on top, but his battery game was on point."
I quickly realized that the person I was talking to was an old rival from back in the day. He was on my ass throughout the chase, but he had to stop and change his batteries whenever he reached me. But, this time however, I was the one that had to recharge my batteries.
-"Heh. It seems that this time around, I am the one behind it all."
The organizer gave me a confused look.
-"I remember how close you were back then. Almost lost my balance trying to shake you off, Devil Killer"
And now the organizer was in disbelief... "YOU'RE... OH MY GOD!!!". He then quickly went to the back room and left me there standing and absorbing the confused stares of people that focused on me. Why did he have to shout? Oh well. I waited for a good minute and when he came back, he gave me a gift.
-"Open it!"
I opened it and I could not believe it yet again. It was my old car. I shed down some tears.
-"Go on, DRAG-ON. Show me you still got it."
I can't be bothered to explain in further detail, so I'll shorten it up. Basically. I kept winning races for 6 hours straight. People were confused about my skill. I was confused about my skill.
But that did not matter, since the thrill of racing with people never left, even during the whole slaying session. Afterwards, I was given a veteran role and a VIP pass for a bunch of cool new stuff, like new cars and upgrades, made by old school and new school players alike. Spent the whole weekend racing and having fun.
Truly, this was a Reunion I did not expect to experience.
The 16th European Tournament will perhaps go down in history as one of the most bizarre tournaments in the history of the beautiful game. Not only was it one of the first tournaments to be played in various countries, rather than having it being played in a single or two countries, but it was the first to not be played in an even year. We can all thank the COVID-19 outbreak that started all the way back at the start of last year. Due to the virus, the tournament was postponed and was, understandably, moved for the next year. This is the second reason. The first one, matches being played in different countries, was an idea that UEFA came up with to celebrate the 60th anniversary of the tournament. The countries that had their bids successfully accepted were, in alphabetical order from A-Z (or in this case, from A-S): Azerbaijan, Denmark, England, Germany, Hungary, Italy, Netherlands, Romania, Russia, Scotland and Spain. 11 countries in total. Some hosted group stage matches, some mixed with group stages and Round of 16, and some quarter finals. England hosted the semis and the final altogether. Before I dive in into this article, one positive note I might add was the return of the crowd. As much as I enjoyed watching football without crowd, hearing the players and managers shouting at everything, listening to the crowds singing and cheering can never, ever be replaced.
Without further ado, it's time to recap and review the tournament based on this table of contents:
- Group stages
- Round of 16
- Quarter finals
- Semi finals
- Final
- Conclusion
GROUP STAGES
GROUP A
The first group was... Actually quite an interesting group. Italy, Wales, Switzerland and Turkey ended up giving everyone a great joy and feeling knowing that the UEFA Euro 2020 tournament has kicked off. Both to fans and players alike. I won't go too much into detail with the groups, but I do have to mention the opening game of the tournament, between Turkey and Italy. And the only memorable thing about the whole game was the end, where Italy enjoyed their plate of Turkey. 0-3 was the final score and "gli Azzuri" had earned the first win and 3 points of the tournament. And with that win, Italy went on to dominate their group, winning all 3 games and earning 9 points in the process. Wales came 2nd, but wasn't close to them, nor were that terrific. They shared their points with Switzerland, a country that showed great show, despite ending in 3rd place. All in all, everyone had a taste of Turkey, which unfortunately left the tournament empty handed with 1 goal scored and 8 conceded.
GROUP B
This group in particular had a VERY rocky start. Its opening game between Denmark and Finland was mostly remembered by the horrible collapse of Denmark superstar Cristian Eriksen, who suffered a cardiac arrest during the first half of the game. THANKFULLY, he was brought back to life (yes, he was dead for 3 minutes before he was brought back), and the game was resumed. In my honest opinion, it should have been postponed. But nevertheless, it ended up 0-1 for Finland. Next country is Belgium. Just like Italy, they dominated their group. Made everyone look like amateurs. It's like they played on amateur themselves. Cheeky bastards. Sadly, unlike the previous groups (and the following others), the 3rd and 4th placed Finland and Russia respectively did not advance forward with the tournament. Despite sharing 3 points, they were pretty much knocked out on goal difference, meaning that Belgium and Denmark secured their spots for the next round. And to end this group with a positive note, Eriksen has been feeling a lot better after the incident, but he'll require some sort of device for his heart in order for things to be in check. All in all, a tale with a horrible start, but an ending that ends being far better than the beginning.
GROUP C
This is the part of the tournament where I come to play. How weird, isn't it? What I mean by this is that this is the group where my home country, North Macedonia, played its first ever major tournament. After a successful and stressful qualifying period, we managed to enter our first European tournament and to say it was an epic moment it would be an understatement... And we got our ass kicked... HARD. First by Netherlands, then Austria, and finally, Ukraine. We did hit hard, but not hard enough. In the end, we packed our bags and came back home, whereas Netherlands, Austria and Ukraine, advanced with the tournament. Netherlands were pretty strong if I do say so myself. Austria were a decent squad to play against and watch. Ukraine, if I'm being honest, got lucky. With their singular win against us, they secured a spot for the Round of 16. But I suppose the real star team was our own, mainly because despite our defeat, we played well. We still got our asses kicked though.
GROUP D
Oh boy... Where do I begin with this one? This was probably one of the most meme worthy groups out of the bunch, mainly due to England's shambolic performance and their wins that led some fans claim they have already won the Euros and started singing Lightning Seeds' "Football's coming home" before anything major even happened. 2 wins and a draw, with horrible results, England somehow came first in their group, followed by a strong Croatia and Czech Republic sides, I question how they even managed to end up in the top of their group. Sadly, Scotland left Group D with a single point, which was earned during their match against England. That whole game proved that England just shit itself throughout their group, but the fans' cheering and singing made it, a little bit interesting.
(Putting this here because why the fuck not? It's a good song, despite how it's overused by England all the time)
GROUP E
I'd like to dub this group as the meme group. Simply cause of the E meme that was popular a couple of years ago (it's still funni), and about one of the teams that got... Pretty much destroyed for existing. I'm of course talking about Slovakia. Getting destroyed 0-5 on your last day of the tournament + an own goal? It was just jokes. What's even worse is that they ended up above Poland. Poland went unnoticed thanks to Slovakia's shenanigans. But, neither of those 2 countries proceeded with the tournament. Spain (2nd place) and Sweden (1st place), continued their business like it's a walk in the park. For Spain, with that specific beatdown on Slovakia on their last day, was a brutal and a successful conquest that took them far in the tournament. Seriously? What even was Slovakia doing the day before their game against Spain? Smoking some weed or something?
GROUP F
Press F to pay your respects. Like, seriously. Pay your respects. Because this was quite the group of death. 3 strong teams and 1 not so strong team, duking it out to see who will come out on top or secure a spot to advance in the tournament. France, Germany and Portugal were causing quite the ruckus just by their presence. With star players and overall, star squads, the tension between these 3 was HUGE. And then there was Hungary. Just chilling. BUT, Hungary was like that one video game character from fighting games that may seem out of place with its moves and personality, but it can fuck up your day if you're not careful. That's how I see Hungary. It managed to score 2 points, but those 2 points were earned by fighting against sides that were pretty much able to defeat the Hungarians with ease; those sides being France (1-1) and Germany (2-2). The other highlight of this group was Portugal, who was almost knocked out from the group stage, but thanks to the "1Up Continue" mechanic that allowed some 3rd placed teams to advance, they survived. Otherwise, France and Germany were neck and neck with their performance and points.
ROUND OF 16
To be quite honest with you, describing the groups in a couple of words plus adding the images was quite tiresome. Looking at the notes on what to write down was also pain, but wasn't as painful as watching the round of 16 and being in genuine disbelief with some of the matches.
First match: Wales vs Denmark. An easy win for the Danish side. 4 goals in the bag and an early ticket for the quarters was assured. Kasper Dolber has pretty much dominated this match. 100% sure of it. As for Bale and his squad, they headed back home in disappointment.
Second match: Italy vs Austria. A close game. Very close. With the game being the first of many in this tournament to end up continuing in extra time, it wasn't until the first half of extra time when Italy first scored. Then in the same half scored again. With 6 minutes remaining, Kalajdzic scored and gave some hope, but after the whistle was blown, Italy booked their place in the quarters.
Third match: Netherlands vs Czech Republic. I guess you could say this as a revenge match. Slavs defeating an enemy that defeated their fellow Slav relatives. The biggest "WTF?!?!?" match in the tournament yet. Netherlands' overall poor performance led them to be devoured by the Czechs, who by this point, became hunters. And wanted nothing more but to score goals and play beautifully.
Fourth match: Belgium vs Portugal. A quiet match. Nothing really happened throughout the whole game. Only highlight was Eden's younger brother, Throgan Hazard, scoring the only goal of the match and that was it really.
Fifth match: Croatia vs Spain. A bloodbath. A literal bloodbath. Croatia and Spain were scoring goals like it's a bloody Sunday League football. Croatia takes the lead, then Spain, then Croatia equalizing. It was a madhouse. Game was taken into extra time too, where the Spaniards scored 2 goals to advance Spain's journey and end the match with 3-5 the score. Haven't seen a good Sunday League styled game between 2 teams like this in a while.
Sixth game: France vs Switzerland. This one was an underdog win. Switzerland held their own amazingly throughout the whole game. Managing to best a strong France side in both normal and extra time with everything they had. In the end, it was decided that Switzerland was going to win the penalty shoot out and advance to the quarters.
Seventh game: England vs Germany. IT'S OFFICIAL LADS!!!! ENGLAND HAS WON THE EUROS FOR THE 4TH TIME AND BEAT GERMANY!!!! FOOTBALL IS COMING HOME!!!
Eighth game: Sweden vs Ukraine. I forgot this game even happened. Yet another game that was taken to extra time after neither side managed to break the equalizer, which was made possible thanks to Forsberg and Zinchenko's goals in the first half. Ukraine ended up advancing.
QUARTER-FINALS
Reaching the end with this one. Next stop. The quarter finals. And what a shit show this was...
First game: Switzerland vs Spain. A good game overall, especially for the Swiss. They held their heads high, even after their loss in the penalty shootout. I have to agree that Switzerland put out a good show, winning games and holding their own against someone that was much stronger than them. Good job Switzerland. Well played. Spain caused a lot of Pain with their win, but it is what it is.
Second game: Belgium vs Italy. Italy has been going downhill with each game. After the group stage, they've had their struggling moment for a while. This was a very close call for "gli Azzuri". Belgium showed their strength and while they got knocked, they gave Italy a run for their money.
Third game: Czech Republic vs Denmark. The Danish have made their comrade Eriksen proud. And the Czech were pretty good too. The hunters became the hunted. A 2-1 win for Denmark meant that they will face either England or Ukraine in the semis.
Fourth game: Ukraine vs England. I'M TELLING YOU LOT, GARETH SHOULD BE KNIGHTED BY THE QUEEN HERSELF. A 0-4 WIN AGAINST UKRAINE, ARE YOU MAD?!?!? IT'S COMING HOME BOYS!!!!!
SEMI-FINALS
It's so close to the end. I can almost feel it. 4 very strong teams, but only 2 can end up on Wembley (for the 2nd time, since the semis are played there) and become Europe's champions. So let's see how it all went down...
First match: Italy vs Spain. Boring game. Full of drought. Fell asleep whilst watching it. Woke up just in time for the penalty shoot out. It did not disappoint. Jorghino's cheeky penalty sent Italy into the final. Spain was on the floor crying in disappointment. But they shouldn't feel sad about losing, cause they were the only ones that managed to score 5 goals on 2 occasions in the tournament, so that's something I guess.
Second match: England vs Denmark. Three things I have to say: 1. That wonderful freekick from Dasgaard that gave England their first conceded goal in the tournament, something they haven't had until that moment. A wonderful strike. 2. The controversial penalty and the fans helping Harry Kane to score by blinding Kasper Schmeichel so that he can dive the wrong way was total bullshit and sent England all the way to the final against Italy. 3. The screams when England won were heard throughout the world. Like, Jesus Christ. Football really is coming home.
FINAL
Italy vs England
The moment that we've been waiting for. Italy vs England. "Gli Azzuri" vs "The Three Lions". "Bella Ciao" vs "Football's Coming Home". It's all down to this. England secured an early lead with Luke Shaw's goal that happened thanks to a brilliant counter-attack from the English side. In the 2nd minute, it was one of the fastest goals scored on an European tournament. And then it all went to shit for them. Lackluster performance after that goal. This gave the Italians some boost in confidence and began dominating the three kittens. However, their goal was lucky, I'll give you that. A failed corner + Bonucci being next to the ball gave Italy the chance to equalize and fight for the trophy. After regular time, extra time followed, where England were even more dreadful than before. No winner was decided EVEN THEN, so penalties it was. And all I can say is: Complimenti per aver vinto la finale. You've earned it Italia.
And as for England:
Even though I was for England during the final, these reactions still make me laugh very hard.
CONCLUSION
I don't really know what to say about this tournament. It was fun as fuck. Especially near the end of it. Some underdog teams showed what they were capable of against the big boys, some were pure travesty, and one team tasted European luxury for the first time (despite the early knockout we faced, we did well in my honest opinion). Italy struggling, just so later they powered up and dominated England was a true in real life final boss fight moment. From a participant with low health, suddenly healing itself to the max and gaining extra strength, Italy destroyed England and rightfully won the tournament AND; fulfilled the vendetta that the whole world had (Everyone's now mocking the English by singing "It's coming to Rome"). England just shat itself to the final. Let's be honest, the lackluster performance and pure luck is what got them to the final. Their play reminded me of Manchester United's form in recent years, and as a Red Devil myself, I found that shit fucking traumatizing.
The lack of highlights is due to UEFA being stinky and not allowing everyone to watch the highlights. Their region specific rule is poo.
All in all, hope you enjoyed my review and recap of sorts of this tournament. Once the new season starts, I'll be ranting about United and its misadventures in causing me mental breakdowns and screeches about who should Solskajer sell and buy.
Until next time...
I HAD "FOOTBALL'S COMING HOME" READY TO PLAY... AND YOU LOT RUINED IT FOR A LOT OF PEOPLE... FOR FUCK SAKE ENGLAND!!!!
Being alive is a mistake. Surviving the events on Phobos and Hell was a mistake. I should not be here. I should be dead, rotting with the others in the base or become part of Hell's armies. Me being alive here is a mistake and an insult to those that have died during this fight for life and death. Everyone would give up after escaping Hell itself and surrender. Because the things I've seen and fought is something no mortal man should ever see, deal or... do anything with them. But here I am. Stranded far away from the frontline. Where not too long ago I came back from the Underworld and I joined up with some marines to fight the demons. And wouldn't you know it: I was the only bastard that managed to escape the slaughter. The marines that I teamed up with not too long ago... All slaughtered... All dehumanized. And then there's me. Ended up, as mentioned before, stranded far away from the frontline into a UAC base. Not only that, but I'm back to square one. I have only my pistol with me. Whilst Running away From the Evil I faced, I dropped all my weapons when I fell down a hole that was probably caused by some explosion and my backpack, alongside all my items in it, ended up getting lost. Don't ask me how it all happened, as explaining things in details isn't my thing. Luckily, I notice that my chainsaw ended up with me. So I quickly wen to get it and started using it right away, because I am NOT using that little pistol that does little to no damage whatsoever. Killed a bunch of imps and soldiers, got myself a shotgun and a bloody rocket launcher and moved on to the sewer section of the base. Used as a source of getting water or some shit, I see that my exit is locked and it needs a keycard to open it. Fortunately, the keycard isn't far off from my location. UNFROTUNATELY, there's a lot of demons and soldiers guarding every single damn corner in this sewer, meaning that getting the key will be an impossible task. Or it would've been, had I not entered a lab and found what is probably Saint Michael's flaming sword. A double barreled shotgun. Why was this amazing weapon from the Heavens here, I will never know. But all I know is YES! GIMME MORE!!! And with that being said, time to slay what's in front of me.
With ease, I manage to clear out the whole place and get to my destination. This thing may as well be my new best friend, because the raw power it has is on par with the BFG 9000, which I sadly miss a lot. But for the time being, this will doo just nice (okay, even after finding another BFG, I'll still use this thing. It's so much fun). Following what's probably a huge amount of tomfoolery from the demons I've seen, I ended up into some kind of place that had tunnels filled with dark corridors and imps. Quite ironic considering the place itself was well lit with torches, but the tunnels? NOOOO... They had to had flickering lights or be dark. Worst part of this was mistaking a demon that resembled a Baron. Turns out, the Barons are kind of like leaders of another race of theirs, this type of Baron being called a Hell Knight. Same appearance in terms of body and height, but different colour of their skin. On top of that, add a bunch of Chaingunners and you get to see why I want to die so quickly. The desire to atone for my sin of surviving and letting everyone else down is now joined by the desire to atone for my sins of dealing with these cretins. I mean how bad can things get? I already had to encounter demons that were a HUGE PAIN in the ass, so what's next gonna be? An entity spawning other entities? And if you answered yes to that rhetorical question, then congratulations. You are absolutely right... Fuck Pain Elementals and their ability to spit Lost Souls. Fuck their existence. From what I've witnessed, is that they are damned for eternity to generate Lost Souls and as a result, they are aggressive towards everything based on this fact alone. And all I have to say is: I'll stick up some fucking rockets up the bastard's forehead for creating these foul beings.
Now that I've ended explaining my issues, it was time to... DEAL WITH A BUNCH OF FATASSES WITH FLAMETHROWERS FOR HANDS, ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?!? These behemoths are fat, have 3 pair of man tits and shout "Hump your mom" when they see their prey (I think they shout that). And as a backup, they have mini Spider masterminds, or Arachnotrons or whatever they are called. Unlike their momma, they fire plasma shots. Easier to dodge, but not easy to deal with the thing carrying said weapon. Back on the fatasses, these guys are brown, huge, fat, have elephant feet and their arms replaced with flamethrowers. Notice how I describe them as fat, right? Now if I use the essence of "supreme love master", I can safely name these guys Mancubi (Mancubus for short. The complete opposite of Succubus). With all this info, it's not too hard to know what to do. As a matter of fact, it's Dead Simple. Spiders and fatsos shooting plasma and fire. Oh and Revenants. Demons brought back from the dead to continue their fight. Kind of forgot about them because they're the least threatening enemy out of everyone. Especially when it came down to a huge bloodbath in The Pit. They just sat there and died quickly, despite being very mobile demons with rocket turrets on their shoulders. Realistically speaking, anything at this point is weak against me. Since I have the Super Shotgun A.K.A Michael's sword. I love this thing.
But in the end, I managed to enter the infamous Circle of Death, where the demons guard the last remaining switch that allows activation for all UAC space shuttles to be launched into space, thus saving what's left of humanity. But no one said it's going to be easy. Now I want you to imagine a tall man, skinny, but also lean, bringing back folks to life, and setting you on fire. Arch-Viles are like shamans, but unlike the latter, these guys need to be eliminated from existence. FAR WORSE THAN THE PAIN ELEMENTALS. They can revive demons and set you on fire and nuke you. And as for the shaman comparison, they have their own shaman-like chants when doing the resurrection on their fellow comrades. I think that's all of them: Chaingunners, Arch-Viles, Arachnotrons, Revenants, Hell Knights, Pain Elementals and Mancubi. How lucky I must have been that these bastards were not present on Phobos. Fast forward to me activating switch after a long and hard battle, I see that all shuttles have been successfully launched into orbit. Let's hope they end up far away from here. Planet filled with nothing but death. I guess it's time to sit down and explain myself properly: "Sophia... William... Daisy... Forgive me. Forgive me for not saving you. I have failed you. I am not the soldier role model you married and I'm not the #1 father in the world. I am just a waste of human life that is good for nothing. Couldn't even follow a simple order. Acted out on my own. Following my own way, instead of following orders. It got everyone killed when I disobeyed the Commander that day. I lost my friends, my home, and my family. I hope that you will find a way to forgive me for causing you so much pain and suffering. Sophia... My love... You've been with me when I was ignored for being built different. You made me feel joy and young... William... My boy... You were daddy's greatest gift. The times we spent playing with your toys and played some ball are some of my most precious memories. Daddy loves you son... Daisy... My sweet little bunny. Found you lost in the woods. And you never left when we were told to give you away because it was "the best and most natural option". You even bit back the people trying to take you away from us. You were meant to be part of us. My dear little sweat dead bunny... I... love you all...".
Just as I was about to end it all there. I receive a message that there is a chance to stop this once and for all. The message stated that a large demon activity has been going down in Texas (ironic since it's my place of birth). All of this because they got their ass kicked by some Japanese dude. All of this increased activity due to their defeat in Japan. Whoever this guy is, did both good and bad. But this message must have been a sign as well. To not give up and give into evil. To stand up and slaughter them all. As if my family decided to give the rest of the army a hand in delivering this message. I look up, do the cross sign, put on m helmet, grab my sword and decided to make my move towards Downtown. Hordes of demons could be seen from all over the place. Corners were practically non-existent at this point. It was almost 100% open areas. Perfect for a nice blood bath. Better bring the shampoo while I'm at it. Run n' gun everything. Weapon combo everything. Punch everything. This was the game plan. Nothing was able to withstand my wrath. Brought to near death. Oh the fun begins. Once I reached Downtown, I entered a weird teleporter that sent me back to some dungeons. Worry came into question when I saw normal people. But it faded away because they were Nazis. Fuck Nazis. Killed them all and came back to the present. Did I question that slaughter? Somewhat. Was I concerned about it? Absolutely not. Why strange? Because it was a pocket dimension of Hell. Hopefully this answers the first question.
Reaching Downtown was important, because the main slipgate that leads to Hell itself was there. After my venture in the castle where my great great-grandfather escaped from and defeated the Nazis back in the day, I entered through the gate and ended up in parts of Hell much worse than when I had to deal with back then. There was no time to question nor worry. Slaughter was the only option. The signal was already lost at this point. No one to talk to. Nothing to hear. All that I had with me was guns that would produce the music. The music of demons dying and getting gibbed. The venture was gruesome. With each exit hole, I ventured deeper into the darkness. Literally and figuratively. I couldn't see shit at times. And The Spirit World was dark for other reasons. Filled with souls that were beyond salvation and beyond resurrection. Worst of the worst. Serving as a reminder to Hell of what you will become if your sins are EXTREMELY big. I think I saw Judas there. And Hitler too, I think.
But was all that slaughter worth it? Was all the ripping and tearing necessary? Did the genocide of all demon kin matter in the end? Well... Yes. Lots of yes. Because it lead me straight to the one that started this whole mess. This thing was the worst of the worst. It wasn't a demon. It was something rather different. It felt like it's from Hell, but it also felt like it was somehow from Heaven itself. It's hideous and violent looks also gave off a different vibe altogether. Was I dreaming? Was I hallucinating? Or was I imagining things? No. I wasn't What I saw in front of me was real. The presentation of Sin itself. Its Icon. The Baphomet. That goat headed beast was the one behind the invasion on Earth. Just like its pet Spider was on Phobos. One key difference is that it spawns demons. Yeah. The Icon keeps spawning demons. And it doesn't make it easy. It spawns demons. Not from its mouth or hands. It spawns them with its forehead. With this information, it all makes sense why I felt the feeling that this creature had a piece of Heaven within itself. It's the daughter of Satan. Who was created by being born out of his head. Speaking of the devil, where is that bastard? His ass needs to be kicked too. Nevertheless, it was time to end the madness. Climbing onto some pillars and shooting the exposed brain was my only concern. The path to said weak spot was blocked numerous times from spawned demons that knocked me down as soon as I reached the beast. In the end, I said fuck it and equipped my BFG and started shooting everywhere. To clean my path and perform the fatality. Having done that, I ran as fast as possible to get to a distance where shooting the rockets was possible. And in the end... BOOM!!! The horrendous visage of the biggest demon I've ever seen crumbles before me. The monster shrivels up and dies, its thrashing limbs devastating untold miles of Hell's surface.
Covered in blood and nearly broken, I lay down. I fall in deep slumber. I wake up to see Sophia, William and Daisy next to me. I see father too. Mother as well. And I also see great great-grandpa Blazko next to my family. Was I dreaming? Was I hallucinating? Or was I imagining things? No. I was not. This was reality. I was reunited with my family. Before uttering a single word, I heard a voice: "I knew giving you my sword was a good move. Good job, William Joseph Blazkowicz.". Looking at him, I was shocked. In that space where I was surrounded by the people I fought for, I was not given a moment to speak. All I was given was everything I had lost in the war. I look bellow and see the world celebrating the defeat and mourning my death. I was overwhelmed. I ended up becoming a soldier of God. From a mischievous man, to a bloody legend and a Saint, I reside in His kingdom now. With my family. But, having an easy life is stupid, so He gave me an assignment: Be a general of the Army. With this, I should probably remove the line that states I became a soldier, because this promotion was a blessing. But, what about my existence? Well. Simply put: "Only a Blazkowicz gets to live a life where they end up being victorious, even when faced with death."
